Constant Yearning
by Lady Silvermaine
Summary: He hated the letters, he resented them, he was afraid of them. She already left, and she seemed happy. What more did they want from him? He looked at the letters one more time, and normally he would dismiss them without blinking. But something about tonight was drawing him to them.


**I wanted to compete with Tong Hua and the writer of MLSHR and see who could make a sadder ending LMAO.**

* * *

The nights were now longer, and it felt more despondent and forsaken than that day when he was sent to the wolves to die. To be honest, he shouldn't be surprised, shouldn't feel like being lonely is something different. And yet he did, he wanted to allow himself to at least _feel_. Now, his only constant companion are the thick scrolls on his working table. They were all heavy with requests, reports, and complaints; and all of them were as full of life as a rock.

So looked around the empty throne room with a dreary face. Save for some yellowish _hanji_ on the windows and a few chipped paint on the pillars, the room was still basically the same. It was cold, uninviting, and too spacious for any previous and future monarch. But sometimes this place was better than any other area in the palace. No, he can't go back to his own quarters. _She_ used to always be there, to welcome him, to comfort him. He can't possibly drag himself to go to Damiwon; everything there was _her_ , smelled of _her_ , reflected _her_. Even the random halls of cheondeokjeon were poisonous to him; they used to walk there hand-in-hand. Yes, the throne room was the lesser of the evils. At the very least, he would be distracted by work. He'd have a reason to chain himself in that wretched chair in order to create a better world for _her_.

The king reached out for one of the unopened scrolls. He stretched out the parchment and laid it flat, but as he scanned the characters, it was blurry and he could barely comprehend anything. He was utterly spent that night, and he should really be in bed by now. But what was the point of resting when he couldn't even sleep; and if by some miracle that he does, _she_ plagued him. So closed his eyes and lifted his fingers to lightly massage his lids. He sighed heavily, and proceeded to reach for the back of his neck. He tilted his head, and as he opened his eyes, the first thing that he saw were the unopened letters of his 14th brother which were carelessly tossed on a smaller table.

They had been coming more frequently than usual, and it did puzzle So, but he still avoided them; tried to think that they didn't exist. He hated the letters, he resented them, he was _afraid_ of them. She already left, and she seemed happy. What more does his brother want? But in the back of So's mind, he argued with himself. His soul was slowly dying in this castle, but she was living, happily at that. That was the most important thing.

 _"If you give all your affection to one person, it will make things harder for you_ _,"_ she once warned him. He humorlessly laughed at the cruel reality of her statement. But So knew, in the deep pits of his heart, that he did not regret it one bit. He did not regret the fact that his happiness relied solely on one person. Her encouragements were his strength, her smile was his happiness, her eyes were the last vestiges of his sanity, and her passion was were he drew his breath. When she left, she took them all with her.

He looked at the letters one more time, and normally he would dismiss them without blinking. But something about tonight was drawing him to them. His practicality enabled him to stop knowing information about her, but in his heart he still craved for her. Anything would have sufficed.

He missed her _so much._

After arguing back and forth with himself, So finally reached out for one of the letters, and raised them on the level of his face. Was this the right thing to do? He considered himself an open wound, and he didn't want to dab himself with salt. This letter could either make or break him.

He slowly lifted the cover of the envelope and brought out the thin paper. As he spread out the letter, a gush of confusion and shock overcame him. This was his calligraphy. _Wait... No._ This was hers too. He was confused the first time he saw her writing, but she told him about the story of her continuously copying his poems that it inevitably affected her and the movement of her hands. So found the story both painful and endearing. He proceeded to read the letter, and as he does so, he felt like the skies were falling over his head. Every stroke from the characters shot a pang of pain to his chest. The torment that he was feeling pooled in his throat, and threatened to come out in the form of inconsolable tears.

 _You still think you don't have my whole heart. I may have left you with hatred instead of love, not allowing you to rest in peace._ She left him and hated him, was that not the case? No matter how much he wanted to hold onto her so badly, she was slipping away from his fingers and he couldn't do anything about it. _I still love you._ His eyes burst, his knees turned weak, and in that moment, he was a baby cradled in her invisible arms. _When you gave up everything and stood by me in the rain. When you threw your body in the way of a flying arrow to protect me..._ And he would have done it all over again. He would have drank all the poison in the world, he would have fought armies for her, he would have died for her. Anything for her; just for her.

 _I yearn for you so much, but I can't be near you._ Surely, this must be the most painful and cruelest torture in the world. How did she expect him to properly function without her? She wasn't just his partner, she was a part of his whole. You don't cut down a tree in half and expect it to go on living.

The king clutched the letter to his chest as he trembled at the foot of his throne. He was but a shadow of Gwangjong. For in that moment, she turned him to her Wang So.

 _I hope to wait and see you again inside these fences, I'll be waiting for you... Everyday._

* * *

The only sound that he could hear was the rapid galloping of the horse. The skies outside were still dark, and he could smell the pale scent of morning dew. Laid out before him was a familiar road to Chungju. Despite the cold wind hitting his face hard and turning him numb, he rode along with a sense of urgency; as if his life depended on it. Or rather, his life really did depend on it. If he maintained the same speed, he would arrive there before noon.

A few hours later, the horse trudged in front of a large compound; obviously owned by nobility. So expertly dismounted from the animal, and looked around while taking its reins. A servant with a bowed head approached him a few seconds later, meaning to assist him with his horse.

"Good day, master! What is your business..." the servant's bowed head saw a peak of So's shoes. Its intricate embroidery could not be missed. He slowly raised his head, and the golden dragon seal of the king greeted him. In an act of pure trepidation, the servant dropped to his knees. "Your Majesty!". So let go of the reins of the horse and motioned for the servant to hold it.

He hurriedly entered the household as if he has already been there. It was almost noon by that time, and surely, the other servants were doing their chores. So won't be able to pass by quietly even if he wanted to. He walked towards Soo's residence which was in the far end of the compound, and as expected, there were several people sweeping the garden or trimming the verge. When they saw him, some scurried in panic, but most of them fell to their knees and bowed their heads.

The clamor was not missed by one of the old Yoo lords, who stepped out of his compound and was preparing to scold the servants. "What's going on there, you imbeciles? Can't you work quietly?" However, he was surprised to find that his servants were all bowed down and trembling. Suddenly, a man in black and gold walked in front of him in haste. Despite his bad eyesight, he recognized him as his king and nephew. Of course, he was rendered speechless.

At last, So reached Soo's small compound. He had been here more times than he was willing to admit, but this was the first time again after months. So felt a sudden wave of excitement and fear. His hands were itching to hold her. Yet once again, he held back. Just like the many times that he wanted to visit her during his times of trial. Insecurity also mixed in with his fear. He stood there for a moment, and he closed his eyes, trying to muster up some courage to finally face her after months of not seeing her. _I still love you._ Her words rang again in his mind. That was all he needed.

He was in front of her room, and she was just a few meters away from him, with only wood and paper separating them. He nudged the door quietly and it slid open without much resistance. His heart was about to burst when he was greeted by her back. Soo was faintly humming a song, and So swore he heard the words _"Come with me"._ He didn't immediately go inside; instead, he first admired her beauty without even seeing her face yet. She was dressed in white and pale pink. Her hair was styled in a bun. And then, as his eyes flashed up to her head, he saw it, the hairpin.

So approached quietly, not making a sound on the wooden floor thanks to his light-footedness. Soo sat in front of a table and was obviously busy writing or reading something. As he inched closer, he saw what she was doing, and a tear finally escaped his eye. She was writing the poem that he gave her many years ago; the poem that was his apology and promise. Placed on the side of the table were several big river stones, and his face was drawn in all of them. Every phase of his adult life was beautifully sketched on the stones: from being a masked wolf-dog prince to the dark king that he was today.

He mentally scolded himself for being angry towards her and not trying to understand her during their last days together. Now, there was no doubt in his mind that their separation destroyed her just as much as it destroyed him. Their love consumed each other's existence, utterly and wholly.

Without thinking, he lowered himself and hugged her from the back, gently yet firmly. She grew quiet and he could sense that she immediately held her breath; the tensing of her muscles followed shortly after. So brought his head down and rested it on her shoulders. He tilted it towards her neck, and as he kissed her skin, he smelled the faint scent of peonies and jasmine. They were quiet for a few moments before Soo felt the gentle sobbing of the man behind her. "I knew you'd come today," she finally spoke. "I felt your presence somehow, earlier this morning."

They eventually faced each other, and So saw her face which was lightly made up, except for her lips which were uncolored. "That's why I put on a bit of make up." Soo grinned, her eyes sparkled with pure happiness. So knelt in front of her, resting his hands on her knees whilst taking hers. He was fully lowering himself in front of her, offering himself to her; and he wouldn't have it any other way.

"You're still so beautiful," his mouth trembled. Tears freely flowed on his cheeks, revealing his marred face.

"And you're still very handsome," Soo smiled. He laughed at this, a part of him unbelieving. So wiped his face, unintentionally taking a bit of his makeup off.

That day was the happiest day that So has been for months. What was surprising about it was that they did nothing extraordinary, they just did everything that they used to do. They ate in front of each other, just like they used to. She told him stories, just like they used to. They lay in each others arms quietly, just like they used to.

Soo was careful not to show any signs of her waning life in front of So. She wanted to savor this moment as much as possible, and she didn't want to make it a day of discussion and regrets. Thus, whenever she felt like her heart was burning, she'd quietly excuse herself out of the room. When her knees were throbbing with a dull ache, she'd discreetly straighten them out and massage them. She didn't have to tell him, it's not like she was going to die today. She felt like she still had a lot of life in her. After this day, So would have to go back to the castle and maybe she could spare him the pain and suffering.

But that night, it seemed like the fates weren't siding with her. She felt weaker than she had for days, and she could barely gulp a glass of water. _I'm sorry, Pyeha. I'm still so selfish,_ she thought to herself.

So didn't miss the fact that she didn't have an appetite during dinner. The usual glint in her irises were also slowly fading, but he didn't think too much of it. _Maybe she's just tired_. After all, she had been busy entertaining him and talking to him, and probably did more activity than she had for the past couple of months. Her body had turned frail some time ago. A part of him wished he noticed it sooner.

" _Pyeha,_ " she suddenly whispered. "Let's go watch the stars tonight."

And, of course, So complied. He carried her out as he didn't want her to tire her knees. It was already a cold month, and her joints may ache outside. They rested in a daybed in the small garden of her residence and sat there silently. He leaned on the backrest and placed Soo on his lap, supporting her back while his other hand was on her hips.

Soo rested her head on his chest. She could hear the steady rhythm of his heart, and how she wishes that she could hear this melodious sound until they were old. But fate would not have it so. " _Pyeha,_ do you see those chain of stars on the northeast?" she pointed at the evening sky and tried to make a drawing out of thin air. "The one were it looks like a woman is chained?"

It took So quite a while to find it, but he finally did. "Yes, Soo-ya. What of it?" he anticipated her stories about the stars more than anything.

"It's called Andromeda. One day, her parents bragged about her beauty, saying she was more beautiful than the daughters of a sea god. Because of this, a deity punished their daughter and chained her to a rock to be sacrificed to a sea monster. However, a hero named Perseus saved her. Perseus married her. When they died, one of the gods brought them to the sky and made them stars. Perseus is beside Andromeda, the one that looks like a leaning man with a sword. See?," she enthusiastically narrated. Soo put her hands down which were previously pointing towards the sky, and a sudden surge of melancholy hit her. "Now, no one can separate them." she trailed. There was a long and deafening silence before Soo spoke again.

"It seems like even tonight, I'm still so selfish." Soo faintly chuckled. "I can't handle another physical separation from you."

Today was a day of crying for So as tears once again blur his eyesight. He held onto her tightly, and she gripped his arms for dear life. "Don't you understand by now? I'm never going to separate from you. Just like Andoru- Andoro-" he said in between sobs.

She smiled at his attempts to say a foreign word. It was her delightful vice that only she gets to hear and enjoy, "Andromeda and Perseus." she finished for him. "Yes, we're never going to be divided. Right?" A rhetorical question that he did not dare answer.

A sense of dread was looming over, and he hopes it wasn't the case. It can't be. But she was growing lighter by the minute, her lids looked so heavy, and her grip on his arm was going loose. "Wang So," she let his full name escape her pale lips. "I love you. Don't you ever forget that."

"I love you, Soo-ya. With every fiber of my being," he immediately replied; not wanting to lose the momentum. "But you've got to stop speaking now, alright? You'll grow tired. Come, I'll take you inside."

However, she shook her head and stopped his attempt to move and stand up. "You have to be a good emperor. Always put the well-being of the people first. You serve them, not the other way around. A country does not need a ruler if there are no people."

"Always your lectures," he snickered.

"And be good to your brothers. Be the reasonable one, understand?," she sighed as she spoke further. "Jung is coming back to town tonight. Be kind to him although he thinks ill of you. He's still so young. And Baek Ah too. It seems like he wants to travel. Let him, he'll always find his way home."

So only shook his head in agreement. He couldn't understand why Soo was speaking this way. He didn't want to understand how this felt more like an eternal farewell rather than one of their usual bickering. _No, it can't be._

Her vision was darkening, and her breath was growing shorter. _This is what it feels like to die, huh? It's just like sleeping._ But she fought it, at least just one last time to utter a final wish. "They say fate lasts for three lifetimes. You are the only one I want to be with in our next two lives. Please find me again."

Of course he would. He'd fight the gods if he had to. He didn't use to believe in fate or destiny, but she was his _soulmate_. She was his just as much as he was hers.

"Soo-ya..." but this time, there was no more response. Her hand that was gripping his arms were now fully lose. "Soo-ya." he uttered her name repeatedly like a chant. Blindly thinking that each time he says it, there might be a difference, that she'd finally say something.

"Please," he begged her lifeless body. "I need you. Please. I can't... I-" his lips trembled as he spoke. This was the emptiest feeling that he has ever felt all his life. He couldn't understand the emotions that were now destroying him. Honestly, dying would be better. Rather than having a tight and painful feeling linger in your gut ang chest, rather than his mind unwittingly emptying, rather than all his strength escaping his body, he would rather _die_.

After what seemed like forever, So started to hear heavy footsteps approach them. " _Pyeha_ ," Jung approached warily. " _Hyung-nim_ , we have to bring Soo inside. It's cold she's..."

But then Jung saw the hands that were splayed on So's arms. Its stark whiteness displaying anything but life. He saw the trembling of his brother's shoulders. Instantly, an unfamiliar feeling of anguish flooded his senses. The regret of attending to family matters overcame him. But more than that, he didn't know whether to be angry, or just plain devastated. Soo was... She was... And he...

He stood there, rooted to the ground, yet he wanted to scream so loud that the whole Chungju would hear. He wanted to hold her, but all he could hold was his mouth to stifle the violent sobs. " _P-Pyeha..._ Please... She... We need to..."

"Jung-ah," So's cold deep voice echoed. "Soo's sleeping. You have to stop being noisy and troublesome. Or else, I'll tell you to mother."

Jung's muffled tears stopped as he looked at his older brother in disbelief and shock. Who would have known that a person's view towards another person could instantly change in the midst of a great loss? The pain was unimaginable; but unlike the king, he knew it and he had been dreading for it.

The effects of Soo's death to So was too unbearable and inconceivable that he was practically in a world of delusion. His fantasy was an escape to the agony of reality.

In front of Jung wasn't a king, wasn't even a prince or a noble. He wasn't a fearsome warrior, nor the lonely wolf-dog. He definitely was not the brother he used to hold in contempt. Right now, he was simply a man who lost the light of his world.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: This idea has been playing in my mind ever since MLSHR ended. I'm glad I was finally able to write it down. The part about fate and three lives was taken from Nirvana in Fire.**

 **[!RANT WARNING! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!]**

 _Oh my god, I hated Jung. Ji Soo couldn't save his character for me. Him taking care of Seol still didn't ease my views of him. He was such a spoiled brat. He refused to see the crimes of his mother and brother simply because it was more convenient to blame it upon his deformed and outcasted brother. I never believed for once that he had the most unselfish intentions towards Soo. When Soo and So were having troubles with their relationship, Soo was silently calming herself and praying in front of the prayer stones. Guess who was there? Jung. Even if he knew that So and Soo were in a relationship, he was silently trying to sabotage it. In our language, we have a street slang for this and it's called abangers, literally 'someone who waits'. He was waiting for the demise of their relationship so he could present himself as a better option because he saw himself as better than So. And then what did he fucking do? He asked for her hand in marriage via a king's degree WITHOUT her consent. At least So always asked her if she was willing to marry him, like idk, four freaking times or whatev._

 _When they were finally got 'married', he thanked her and he said, "thank you for saying yes". Like, the worldly and testosterone driven part of himself was saying, 'ye, I got the girl'. And then he was creating all these illusions of affection between them and Soo. For what? FOR WHAT? He didn't have any intentions to make So stop sending the spies, he was still expecting them to come. He just wanted to make his older brother, the one who really had the girl's heart, jealous. And you know what? Soo knew NONE of that. He contributed to her delusions that So 'hated' her. So thought she was happy and she's moved on! BUT NEITHER OF THEM FORGOT. THEY WERE LONGING FOR EACH OTHER SO MUCH IT WAS SO PAINFUL TO WATCH. Would Soo be happy to know that the love of her life thought she didn't love him anymore because she was happy with someone else, when all she could think about was HIM? Would she be happy to know that So was getting absolutely devastated because of a goddamn lie? I THINK NOT._

 _In the end, he matured because of the inevitable responsibility that was Seol. Oh my god, and I hated the part where he hugged Seol so protectively. He was afraid of the FATHER OF SEOL. Yeah whatever dude. Fine, at least he took care of the kid properly. Thanks Jung._

 _I made this story for Jung too, because I wanted him to see what his brother truly was amidst the blood and the crown._

 **[END OF RANT]**

 **[PS: NOT GONNA ENTERTAIN ANY COMMENTS OR PM DEFENDING THE GUY I RANTED ABOUT]**

 **In my story, I probably can't describe Jung's pain that much. I acknowledge this and I apologize for it.**

 **I hope you all enjoyed (or not because it was sad. I hope you all got sad tbh lol)**


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